


Lost and alone

by Tamia



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Depression, Drug Abuse, F/F, Hurt, I'm Sorry, Mental Health Issues, Not Happy, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Suicide, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:26:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamia/pseuds/Tamia
Summary: After five years without contact, Kya is back at Lin's doorstep to confess her feelings. It's something she should have done a long time ago.Heavy content warning, please read the tags, before you read the story!
Relationships: Lin Beifong/Kya II
Comments: 14
Kudos: 34





	Lost and alone

**Author's Note:**

> I want to point out to everyone, that this story might be heavy for some people.
> 
> I suffer from depression myself (not as bad as in this story) and I wanted to try in this way, to cope with my feelings.
> 
> This is the first fanfiction, that I've written in a very long time. English is not my native language, so I apologize if there are any errors in the story.

Kya felt her insecurity creep up, when she stood in front of Lin's apartment door. She hadn't seen Lin in a couple of years, that wasn't planned. Would Lin be happy to see her again? Why is she so worried anyway? What the two of them have been just casual. They would meet when Kya was in the city to fuck, no strings attached. But Kya stayed away longer than necessary, and she knew why.

Kya started developing feelings for Lin. That's why she hadn't visited for five years. She didn't want to ruin what she had with Lin, by bringing feelings into this. At the same time, however, she couldn't bear to come back and then suppress her feelings.

Kya had spent the past five years running away from it. But she realized, that this was stupid. There's a high possibility, that Lin doesn't feel the same way for her. Still, she had to tell her, apologize for her long absence, and hopefully they could still be friends afterward.

Kya wondered for a moment if it was wise, to use the key Lin gave her, to break into her apartment. She probably wouldn't expect her and, in the worst case scenario, would think she was a burglar. With all the courage, Kya could muster at that moment, she raised her fist and knocked several times on her door.

No Answer.

Kya tried a few more times. She fumbled in her pocket to find the key. Though she didn't think, that Lin would appreciate it, when she got home and found Kya in her apartment. But a strange feeling in her gut tells her to find the key and get her ass into the apartment. So she did that.

She walked slowly into the apartment and turned the light switch on. Lin's apartment was exactly as Kya remembered it, and a warm, familiar feeling ran through her body.

“Hello? Lin are you home? It's me, Kya!”, she announced before carefully going into the living room. But she got no answer from the other women. It was quite possible, that she was still at the station. Even in the past, Lin had tended to work ridiculously long hours.

Kya walked absently through the small and not decorated apartment. It was spotless, as if she had just cleaned her apartment today. No dust and everything was in its place. It almost had an eerie atmosphere and Kya got the feeling, that she shouldn't be here, as if she were an intruder.

Kya went into the kitchen and everything was so clean there, too, that she was afraid of even touching the countertop. Lin had always been a clean person and preferred to keep things tidy on a regular basis, unlike Kya. Slowly, she made her way into the bedroom, the light was off, but through the living room light she could still make out the furniture.

Kya pokes her head in the room and was surprised to see, that Lin was home after all. She was already in bed and asleep. Kya wanted to close the door for fear of waking Lin, but then she noticed that something was wrong. Lin was still completely in her clothes and was lying on the blanket, not under it. She was lying on her back and her arms were on either sides of her body. A strange position to sleep, Kya realized nervously.

“Lin?”, she asked tensely, as she entered the room with cautious steps. Despite the tight feeling in her chest, Kya turned on the light and was shocked, when she saw Lin in the full light. She was extremely pale, eyes closed, face neutral, but her body didn't move a bit. Kya immediately realized what was going on, and ran to the side of the bed.

She cupped her cold wrist, to check her pulse, but there was none. With tears in her eyes, she next checked Lin's breathing, only to find there was none either. Panic rushed through her entire body, but her muscle memories as a healer, kicked in immediately.

Kya started on chest compressions and ventilation. The logical part of her brain knew, that it was pointless, with the condition of her body, she must have been dead for hours. But the irrational part had to try, to bring her back. So she tried, again and again. Again and again. The tears ran freely down her face, and wetted Lin's skin and tank top.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”, she yelled in a broken voice. Her arms slowly started to cramp, but she kept pushing, ignoring the pain. This went on for several minutes, until Kya collapsed powerless on the floor. She screamed and howled loudly, as she hadn't in a long time, probably the last time as a child.

“Why? Shit, why?”, she asked aloud. To whom? She didn't know. She hit the hard stone floor with her fist several times. But as the anger and frustration slowly subsided, the realization set in. She sat with her back against the bed, facing the wall. Kya put her legs slowly to her body, clutched her arms around them and pressed her head against them. The only sound that still filled the room, was Kya's muffled sobs.

Kya no longer understood the world. Why was Lin lying dead and alone in her apartment? What happened to her? As a healer, she suspected that the cause of death must be internal, as there were no external injuries. Either a brain injury or heart failure, but she couldn't tell for sure. But why? Lin was healthy, as far as Kya knew.

Kya inevitably had to think about the reason for her visit, which made her tears even more violently. It wasn't planned that way. She wanted to confess her feelings to Lin. Tell her, how much she loved her, that she would rather be rejected by her, than spend another day ignorant of whether there might be hope, that Lin felt the same for her. Could she have saved Lin, if she had only come a few hours, days, or even years, earlier?

After what felt like an eternity, Kya managed to slowly lift her head. But she couldn't bring herself to look at Lin again. She tried hard to wipe the tears from her face, when she noticed something on Lin's bedside table. She grabbed the object with shaky hands. It was an empty pack, of extremely strong painkillers.

Something in Kya's gut turned, as the realization dawned on her. Overdose. Lin died from an overdose of painkillers.

Kya swallowed hard. Was it an accident or was it on purpose? Her gaze wandered over the bedside table again. There was a white envelope behind the bedside lamp. Anxiety rushed through her entire body.

“No, that can't be!”, muttered Kya to herself. Lin wouldn't. No way. That can't be. It must have had another cause. After several minutes of debating with herself, whether she should read the contents, she reached for the envelope. Her hands were trembling so much, that she had difficulty opening it. She took the letter slowly out of the envelope and took several deep breaths.

  
_To my family and others, wo might read this farewell letter,_

_I am sorry, if I caused any inconvenience. That wasn't my intention. I'm only writing this letter, because I think that's the least I could do._

_I'm not even sure what to write. At least I want to tell my family, that it's not your fault, it's actually nobody's fault, except my own, of course._

_I hope you don't mourn for me, I think it's not worth to mourn my failed existence. You're better off without me anyway. I thought about it for a long time and came to the decision, that it's better that way._

_I just can't live like this anymore. For a long time, I've tried to ignore the pain I've felt over the years and nearly every day had been a nightmare. I thought I had to do it, because that's how I thought of myself. A fighter, but I'm so tired of fighting. Now I realize, that there's no point in torturing me through life. If I can never be happy anyway, no matter what I do._

_I've never been good at expressing my feelings, so this farewell letter will probably not get much better. I don't care what you do with my property, donate it or give it to my sister, for all I care. I don't really care anymore, anyway._

_I know, that it's selfish to leave the world this way, but please forgive me for being selfish, for one last time in my life._

_Lin Beifong_

  
Kya's entire body trembled, while she read the letter and her tears moistened the paper. It's so cruel, that Lin saw herself as a burden for everyone around her. She was such a brave, selfless, strong and beautiful women. She never had such strong feelings for anyone, except for Lin. If only she had been there for Lin and hadn't run away from her own feelings, like a coward. Then maybe, she could have saved Lin.

Lin doesn't deserve it, to die lonely and alone in her apartment, with the thought, that nobody loved her and that her loved ones would be better off without her. Because that's not true. There are so many people, who loved and cared for Lin. Why could she never see that? Inwardly, Kya knew why, her severe depression must have had clouded her judgment of others and herself.

Why did Kya never notice, that Lin was suffering from such severe depression, that she was even suicidal? Of course, Kya knew, that Lin was carrying a lot of traumas from the past and had problems with her self-esteem. That's why she loved to compliment Lin, it always caught her by surprise and got her cheeks blushed. Little did Kya suspect, that it was actually so much worse. Spirits, she's probably the worst healer in the world.

It took Kya a long time, before she could bring herself to call the police and her brother. Shortly afterward, the apartment was crowded with people. But Kya hardly noticed it, she hugged tightly to Tenzin, both of them trying to comfort each other.

When Kya left the apartment, she knew that something inside her, would be broken forever.

**Author's Note:**

> In conclusion, I would like to say that everything, that is described in this fanfiction, is not a glorification of suicide.
> 
> If you are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts, please seek for help. That's so important.
> 
> If you don't have anyone to talk to, you can also write to me privately. That's not a problem.
> 
> Everyone deserves to live and be loved!


End file.
